motion is easy.

A rollercoaster of emotions have consumed every inch of my soul, and I just can't seem to get a grip. In the midst of this journey, Ive noticed my appetite growing, longing for something, something other than what I have been filling myself with.
My plate is getting fuller and fuller, to the point where I have considered getting a second plate. In the midst of an already difficult journey, I find myself striving to accomplish more, and inner logic told my silly head that the more good I do, no matter what I have to sacrifice, the less time I will have to focus on the not so solid parts of my life.
Motion is easy. Faster and faster I move, my mind is going, my heart and soul try to follow, and somewhere in the midst if I lose them, I know I will find them again when I have time. Father why can't I hear you ? Have you left me? I don't feel you as close anymore, I wonder where you have gone? Where were you when I called to you? I listened, I know I did, and you, well YOU weren't there.
Rushing. Gotta get to church, gotta read my book, three papers tomorrow, work today, oh shoot, sunday school! Okay well, that's fine I will just read my book as I run for my bus, I'll be five minutes late for Awaken, I will get there in time for the first song, run to Sunday School, go out with my friends after, and do two of my papers uhm.. do three of my papers tonight? Oh class at 8? Uhm. I can do it, sure I'll help you with that, why not. Yep, I can re-do this, I'll just sleep after school. Oh, another meeting? Okay, I'll sleep in Abnormal Psychology for 10 minutes, and 10 minutes on the bus home. I'll re-do that assignment while eating my dinner, oh grocery shopping, I'll grocery shop tomorrow, and eat lean cuisine tonight. Shoot. Missed my bus, guess Im walking, thought it was warmer, oh! gotta call my sister, my mom, my dad, my friend, my boss, my school, pay this, find that, mail a letter, unload the dish washer, find something clean, lead a small group, hold a baby, eat a meal, do a paper, gotta get to church, gotta read a book..

ENOUGH.

Walk slower, breathe deeper, see clearer, say no, focus, worship, write, say no, meditate, sleep, look up, admire, say no.

I hate that word.

God, Im listening. I know im busy, and my ipod is on, and the tv is on, but my bible is open, and I uhm prayed today. Remember, I called out to you, today when I found out about my friend? I tried to, I know I stopped half way through my prayer, but you know what I mean right? God? I'm really mad at you, I can't hear you. Speak up. Louder, louder, clearer, more.

Hurry. NO, I can't, I will no longer run through life. Slow down Breanne, Slow down Breanne, Slow down Breanne.

In the midst of this journey, I was so determined that God stopped listening. Being a super hero is not for me. Im just a girl, a woman. I am a woman of God, and I will not let you walk all over me. I am standing strong, I am deeply rooted, I am yours to keep. You didn't stop listening, I stopped looking, I stopped opening my eyes, my heart, I turned up the noise, and you stayed the same, and I couldn't feel you next to me, because I was determined to make it, I was determined to consume my life with so much goodness, that I forgot about YOU.

I hear you calling me, back to this life of pure simplicity, but I need to learn how to follow, so I can learn how to lead. I need to be confident in who you created me to be, so I wont be so afraid of that two letter word.
I feel you next to me. I need to start to say no to things, because I need to take care of myself. The fine line has pushed its way to my breaking point, and I need to do the things I need to do to take care of myself, before I add more to my plate.

It's not about filling my life to maximum capacity, but rather about doing what I can do healthily, as a servant, as a lover, as a friend, daughter, sister, child of God.

If I am not strong, if I am not filled, listening, connected, careful, if I am not growing, learning, falling, failing, and getting right back up again, then I am not okay.

So , here's to saying no when I need to, and being okay with that. Here's to searching deeper into my soul.

Growing, changing, and definitely not running,

b.