here i go.

December brings days of sleepless nights, intimate coffee's and tiresome studying. Yet in the midst of the rush, i've found more time than usual to breathe.

I don't know what has come over me, or how I got where I am, or somedays even why I feel the way I do, but I know I have come to a new place, that requires me to put more faith than ever before in a God who knew me before I even knew his name.

I can't explain the way I feel Him with me, everytime I breathe, or how I hear His whispers calling me towards something so great, but I do know it's not just me. I hear Him, calling and calling, with determination to set me on this distant path.

But its my fault this path seems so distant. I have created these obstacles in my mind, heart, and way, that have veered me off track, and then questioned why I am so far away. Slowly I am breaking down these obstacles, and each day, I find God reveals a little bit more of His plan for me.

In the quiet, someone speaks. and its not me, yet I hear it, calling, encouraging, pushing me towards things I cannot see or even comprehend, yet Im running, in the direction of the voices, hoping to find something, anything to hold onto, to make it a little more comfortable.

Comfortable? is that what im called to? No, definitely not. I have been asked to live amoungst the uncomfortable, the unloved, unwanted. Called to bring this feeling of unconditional love to the loveless and the lonely, which is not calling me into an area of comfort, but rather, intentional discomfort.

Lately, the whispers have grown louder, in the midst of my constant discouragement and feeling of not being good enough for you, whoever "you" happens to be on a regular basis. oh Father, why couldn't you have called me to a life of easy-ness?

That is not the Father that i am a servant to.

So I stand here unashamed, calling your name, hoping to hear in the midst of my cries, an answer, and here is what has been whispered.

- I am made in the image of a King.

- Maybe I just need to trust and have faith in the things I cannot see or comprehend, so that He Himself can show me.

- I am good enough.

- I am blind, yet I can still follow.

So here I go, discouraged yet strong, hopeful yet humble, learning, growing, listening, just being.

Here I go into the darkness, following the light in the distance, that seems to get brighter when I have faith in the coming days.

Here I go, hoping you wont break my heart, indulging in prayer, resting in Advent, waiting for new direction, excited for the future.

I am always learning and growing. I hope I never stop.

b.