yearn

im writing to you in total honesty. in a volunerable place in my life. a place in my life where im not sure where i am headed.

Ive started school, which is going well, im working really hard, and trying to find my place at a school where everyone is there for many purposes. but only one God.

I find myself reflecting on my life quite a bit. From How am i really doing? to what am i doing? And sometimes my lack of honesty to myself, and to God scares me. Why can't i tell God how i really feel? Spill my heart, tell all my fears. Because i feel like i cannot let myself become volunerable.
Ive tried to keep myself busy. Im a nanny for two great kids, Eric and Annika, but they are quite the handful. I am pouring and pouring out my love, and my time, and my energy to help them grow into the amazing people they will one day be. But ive never felt quite as empty as i feel now.
As many of my friends run off to the other side of the world, it makes me reflect back to my gong show of a trip to Tijuana, Mexico. There were times of pure hatred, hard, grueling times when i just wanted to come home. There were times i cried myself to sleep, because of realisations, that i found in Mexico. But there were times of growth, of love, of pure happiness. Times were God was clear, and where he wasn't which was abruptly ended by Tonsilitus and mono. And i still have the feeling of pure failure lurking in the pit of my stomach.

Could i have toughed it out? Did i still have work to do? Could i have prevented it? did i fulfill my calling?

Emotionally i am in a tough spot between my Christian faith, and my non Christian home. After long agruements and debates about my summer, my jobs and my intentions, i cried and yelled at my father , who did not understand why i didn't want to get a job this summer making tons of money.

I hate money. I HATE it. It is the cause of the majority of fights in my house, worries, and debates. I could care less if i had one penny in the bank, because i know my God will provide. And yes, i work, and i am so cautious with my money. But i have been broughten up to realise the "importance" of money.

I want to work at Gull Lake for my sequel to summer oo7. The job is life changing, the money is there, but you barely see it. But i can CHANGE the lives of children who need me. I can change and be changed, grow and help with growth. But how do you explain that to a father who wants whats best for you, but whats best is making tons of money at a desk job?

I want to go back to Tijuana in may, for a few weeks, to visit, to pray, to love again. I want to without feeling like im letting my dad down. I want to go and feel like i am being supported.

Which brings me to my feelings as of late.

It scares me to think this. It makes me cry to say it. But i feel like God is calling me to work with youth in Mexico. Perhaps near the palace, maybe somewhere totally different. But this is a feeling i cannot shake.

I try to pretend i dont feel that way. I try to take my mind off of it. But it scares me. How do i tell my dad, that not only do i want to visit mexico in May , but that im not going to make money there, then i am going to come home for about a week, and go off to Gull Lake for the summer, to spend my summer pouring out my love, and once again make nothing i can cash in to the bank. I will make lots of new friends, a million memories, i will make someones summer the best one yet.

And im willing to sacrifice all the money in the world for that.

How do i stay true to myself , and not let my dad down? How do i follow such a HUGE calling, and still make my family happy?

Im tired of longing for my families approval, i am an adult am i not? I love my family more than anything in the world, but im tired off waiting for " im proud of you's" and " you've done well's"

I just want to be me, to follow God, to change the world with my love, and commiting passion to my lord and savior.

And yet i sit here broken. Waiting to find out what to do next.

Oh Bree, not again.