s a f e t y ?

My heart struggles to find the balance between being kind hearted and selfless and being trampled on like leaves in fall. I have yet to find the balance, perhaps because I am afraid if I step too far in the other direction I may forget and lose the compassion and caring aspect of my life, my soul, and my being.

I realised tonight that I am on a journey of discovery and struggling. My journey is changing, my desires are fresh and challenging, but reachable if I give this everything I have. Part of the reason I am having a hard time with this path is because there are time when I feel incredibly alone. Perhaps its my souls way of sharing its desires to rely on a God bigger than my earthly worries and fears, but in the moment, in the passion, and the trust I have in Him, I am afraid, and sometimes I am alone.

I long for meaningful relationships and find myself dissatisfied with current relationships where I find myself being walked on, forgotten, and judged. I am going to make mistakes, take wrong turns, and although I often find myself back at the crossroads, I keep travelling.

Perhaps the key is that I do not feel safe where I am. In my home, in my program, with my friends, at my job, and I dont know what has changed to make me feel so on the outs, but when I dont feel safe, I turtle, I try to protect myself by internalizing my feelings, by smiling, hiding, and backing away from aspects of my life that dont foster the safety that I need.

I am not talking about being comfortable. But feeling valued. SAFE with my emotions, with my thoughts, with my opinions, with who I am in Christ, and as a woman with unconditional love. Maybe I am missing something. Is the lifestyle I am being called to not supposed to be safe? I have no idea. I need to figure this out.

Honestly though, I want to come home and feel safe to be who I am, to talk about how I feel, to make mistakes, to be present in the neighbourhood.

I am making changes to my lifestyle. I feel the change creeping in my soul, changing my heart, and providing me strength. It couldnt get here soon enough.

Heres to standing at a Crossroad, preparing for a journey.

b.