raw

I believe that that raw feeling inside my soul contains emotions im afraid will be rejected by others if I let them escape. Feelings of uncertainty, doubt, fear, and pure and honest love that just don't seem to stand up to easy emotions that don't require vulnerability.
The God that I follow has broughten me this far, through "hell and high water", back and forth, through the light and into the darkness to create my own and I cannot say I am not thankful for all of the opportunities I have been given to grow and be shaped into who I am at this current moment.
My hands long to become dirty for that is where I find God in the most real ways. When I am on my knees praying for the oppressed, or serving and enjoying meals at the mustard seed. Perhaps it is even growing in my patience as I hold a wailing child who struggles to get away the same way that my creator holds onto me when I am frustrated and unable to see the bigger picture of the love He deeply has for me. Being a part of a church commited to God's mission is challenging, because it requires this thing called sacrifice that at times I am not certain I want to be a part of.
Sacrifice means giving up parts of myself in order to be a part of this calling to live simply, while extending love and grace in the toughest of circumstances. I have been living comfortably with my father while I am in school, which requires almost no sacrifice. I live care free when it comes to money, bills and food, but lately have been growing restless as I envision the rest of my journey following and leading in a community of people commited to being "uncomfortable". I need to learn what it means to depend on God to provide for me, and for others, and living at home hasn't really allowed or called for me to rely on Him in that way.
So I am going for it. I am looking into moving into Bowness to be a bigger part of this community that could use someone like me. Perhaps its babysitting for nothing except the joy I get allowing people to go out on their own, knowing that their children are safe and loved with me. Or maybe it is being a good neighbour, or knitting scarves, or making meals and loving on others. I know deep in my innermost being that God will use me, and is using me in Bowness and so I am scared and excited all at the same time to venture out on this journey trusting that this is part of God's plan for me.

I was telling a dear friend today that I have stopped searching for that person to fill this "earthly" gap in my life and that it is a good feeling. I'm not sure I could say that up until this point in my life I have been content with being "by myself" or would ever envision myself to have come to a place where God has been able to fill that missing piece. The idea of holding hands with the person meant to fill them is something I have not cast aside, but each day I am learning to fill my hands with my creator spiritually and physically. Picking someone up, helping an infant walk, skipping around the yard carelessly like a child. I am thankful that I am at a place in my life where I have stopped searching for that person, and have come to a place where I can love who I am becoming, and know that if it is in His plan I will find someone who see's the beauty that my creator has created in me without fail.

I am always learning, failing, and getting back up again, sometimes I just want to sit amoungst the brokenness and sometimes it takes all the strength in my being to pull myself out of it, but all along this bumpy winding road I see my Maker, clear and strong calling me deeper and challenging me in ways that require sacrifice and hardship in order to follow him.

Thank the Lord for good friends, hard moments, mourning, rejoicing, the power in stories, fellowship, community, and eating together. Thank God for feelings of the heart, vulnerability, and laughter.

Thank God for another day not wasted.

love b.