New Blog.

So due to my new email, breannetole@gmail.com - i can no longer access this account, but am posting this from my phone. I am making a new blog.   http://www.breannemarietole.blogspot.com/ . you will find my and my soul there.

b.

s a f e t y ?

My heart struggles to find the balance between being kind hearted and selfless and being trampled on like leaves in fall. I have yet to find the balance, perhaps because I am afraid if I step too far in the other direction I may forget and lose the compassion and caring aspect of my life, my soul, and my being.

I realised tonight that I am on a journey of discovery and struggling. My journey is changing, my desires are fresh and challenging, but reachable if I give this everything I have. Part of the reason I am having a hard time with this path is because there are time when I feel incredibly alone. Perhaps its my souls way of sharing its desires to rely on a God bigger than my earthly worries and fears, but in the moment, in the passion, and the trust I have in Him, I am afraid, and sometimes I am alone.

I long for meaningful relationships and find myself dissatisfied with current relationships where I find myself being walked on, forgotten, and judged. I am going to make mistakes, take wrong turns, and although I often find myself back at the crossroads, I keep travelling.

Perhaps the key is that I do not feel safe where I am. In my home, in my program, with my friends, at my job, and I dont know what has changed to make me feel so on the outs, but when I dont feel safe, I turtle, I try to protect myself by internalizing my feelings, by smiling, hiding, and backing away from aspects of my life that dont foster the safety that I need.

I am not talking about being comfortable. But feeling valued. SAFE with my emotions, with my thoughts, with my opinions, with who I am in Christ, and as a woman with unconditional love. Maybe I am missing something. Is the lifestyle I am being called to not supposed to be safe? I have no idea. I need to figure this out.

Honestly though, I want to come home and feel safe to be who I am, to talk about how I feel, to make mistakes, to be present in the neighbourhood.

I am making changes to my lifestyle. I feel the change creeping in my soul, changing my heart, and providing me strength. It couldnt get here soon enough.

Heres to standing at a Crossroad, preparing for a journey.

b.

girl.

i am not fake. i will not pretend to be something i am not. i am a fallen follower. a seeker, a girl. i am just a girl. i am just a girl seeking. i am just a girl who seeks truth, and lives simply, in mercy, grace, and sacrifice. in the end, i am just a girl.
there are days when i flicker. i can feel it in my soul, that i am burning out, and i wonder if i will reach the end, or if i will continue to burn, melt, and provide light. flickering is a hard feeling to bare with, because you feel it in your bones that you are reaching the end, that you could go out any second, but you grasp on to every last second you have, waivering, with faith so small, but strong enough to keep you lit.
i made it through another Christmas, flickering. Wanting nothing but time with people I love, asking only for phones to be turned off, food to be eaten, and laughter to give way to the dark moments of the season.
I am just a girl, just a girl flickering, and staying strong. A girl with big dreams, little steps, and small faith.

i am just a girl.